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Parody of Teach Me. Captain Mustache! Part 2 Was Posted on Youtube

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On August 8, a parody version of the LDP video, “Teach Me, Captain Mustache (Part 2)” was posted on YouTube by someone who goes by the name Akari-chan, which is the name of the main character in the video. The title of the parody is “Mustache and Akari’s Road to Death.” As of today, the parody has had over 146,300 views whereas the original video has just over 94,800 views. Just like part one of the Captain Mustache videos, the parody has obtained more viewers than the original. For the first few minutes of the parody version, the same content as the original was played. Then, the screen starts to become smaller and smaller and the frame of a smartphone appears, indicating that Akari-chan saw the original on her smartphone. Then, sitting next to her is a robot. In the original, MP Sato transforms into a robot for a few minutes, but in the parody, he is a robot until he becomes a human at the end of the video. In this parody, Akari-chan is more sarcastic, calling MP Sato simply “Mustache” unlike in the original, where she calls him as “Mr. Captain Mustache.” On August 8, MP Sato tweeted that the parody went to a new low by referring to an older person as “mustache.” Although MP Sato had complemented the parody of the first LDP video, he criticized the parody of the second, saying that it lacks integrity. He said it was not as sharp and witty as the first parody. He said he does not mind that the creator of the parody opposes the legislation, but he is somewhat disappointed that it was not as clever as the first one. In his tweets, he also stated that he would like to see others’ parodies too.

( The video can be seen at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVpX-fuN98s )

Below is the transcript.

Akari-chan: Wow! Mr. Captain Mustache, it’s nice timing again!

MP Sato: Hi! Nice to see you again.

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Akari-chan: Since the last time we met, I have seen and heard many many things, because I thought that I realized I shouldn’t act as though these issues are somebody else’s issue. But, there are so so so so many things that I can’t understand. I thought that each household needs a Captain Mustache.

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Captain Mustache: A Captain Mustache for each household… then, a Mustache Robot!

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Akari-chan: Hey Mustache. Honestly speaking, I’m super disappointed by this video. It doesn’t address the points I made before. Moreover, you say the same things over and over. Also, it’s too long. Sorry, but I don’t have time to mess with all of your stories, so I summarized them.  

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徴兵制のこと About conscription,                                                                                      憲法違反のこと About (the security legislation) being unconstitutional,
新三要件のこと About the three new conditions,                                                          アメリカの戦争にどうかかわるかHow Does Japan Deal with American Wars?             現場の自衛官のこと About Self Defense Force members in the fields.

Akari-chan: This time, Mustache discussed five topics: conscription, constitutionality of the legislation, three new conditions for use of force, how Japan deals with American wars and Self-Defense Forces in the field. Too many. I have already addressed almost half of them. Well, nevermind. Mustache, listen to me next time.

Akari-chan: Now, about conscription.

MP Sato: The current constitution does not allow conscription.

Akari-chan: There you go! Don’t bring up the constitution only when it’s convenient for you, constitution-breaker!

MP Sato: None of the seven most developed countries have adopted conscription.

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経済的徴兵制 Economic Conscription

Akari-chan: I know that. The conscription that I talked about last time was “economic conscription.” Poor youths will join the Self-Defense Forces voluntarily to get out of poverty. This is what happens in the United States. Actually, even at a government-sponsored conference, an opinion like this has been expressed. Here’s an article by Tokyo Shimbun that reports there are those who propose to let students who are having hard time paying back scholarships get an internship with the Self-Defense Forces. This proves that this is not only my concern since there those who actually propose economic conscription.   

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貧困層に「経済的徴兵制」?Economic Conscription for Poor People奨学金返還に「防衛省で職業体験」

Offer Returning Scholarship in Exchange for “Training at Ministry of Defense”

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苦学生求む!Struggling Students Are Needed!医師、看護婦になりたいけど…お金がない Want to be doctors and nurses… but have no money!学力、体力自信あり! But, be confident in academic ability and physical strength!集団生活も大丈夫! OK with communal living.こんな人を探しています We are looking for such people.防衛医科大学校 National Defense Academy医学科、看護学科 Medical Department, Nursing Department

入学金、授業料は無料です The fee of admission and tuition are free.

Akari-chan: This flier is the same as well. It’s very obviously proposing economic conscription. How do you explain this to me?

Robot: That is a big big mistake.

Akari-chan: Sorry. What’s the mistake?

Akari-chan: Next, we’ll talk about whether the security legislation is unconstitutional. Everybody knows that it is.

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憲法違反のこと About being unconstitutional

Akari-chan: I’m ashamed to point this out, but [in the image below] you made the number of scholars who say constitutional and the number of those who say unconstitutional the same.  Sorry Mustache, but everybody knows that there are only three scholars who claim that the security legislation is constitutional.  

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違反 unconstitutional
合憲 constitutional
Q. 平和安全法制は憲法違反なの?                                                                        Question. Is Peace and Security Legislation unconstitutional?

Akari-chan: Contrary to what you said, among all 400 constitutional scholars in Japan, the number of  scholars who say that the legislation is unconstitutional is the overwhelming majority. So, the image should be like this (below).

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違反 unconstitutional
合憲 constitutional

Akari-chan: Why such a basic lie? We’ll move on to the next topic, because there isn’t anyone who doesn’t already know this.

Akari-chan: You are talking about the Sunagawa ruling, right?

Robot: We made the peace and security legislation to protect citizens. It allows for a partial right to collective self-defense within the confines of what the Supreme Court precedent allows.

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砂川裁判=集団的自衛権について判断していない。                 Sunagawa case = did not make ruling on the right to collective self-defense.

Akari-chan: You’re talking about Sunagawa case, right? What was debated in the Sunagawa case was the right to self-defense. The right to collective self-defense was not debated in the Sunagawa case.

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昭和47年見解=「集団的自衛権は違憲」
Showa 47th Year (1972) Opinion = The right to collective self-defense is unconstitutional.

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Akari-chan: The logic that you guys are using is almost the same as saying “This is a tomato, so it is a cabbage as well.” Mustache, a tomato is a tomato, but not a cabbage. Can’t you see?

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Robot: People tend to focus on exercise of armed force and the right to collective self-defense, but the first and the most important option that we seek is peaceful diplomacy.

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Akari-chan: You said “peaceful diplomacy,” but you recently fanned a sense of crisis among Japanese citizens by constantly referring to China in Parliament. On top of that, you said a preemptive attack is possible. If these were broadcasted through foreign media, then it would affect diplomacy negatively. Ah. Was it because I told you to say it clearly? If that’s the case, I’m sorry. It was a fatal mistake to talk about things like that in a parliamentary session where people all over the world are paying attention. What is the “peaceful diplomacy” that you think of?

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[Robot flickers red and yellow lights, while emitting a mechanical sound and sweating.]

Akari-chan: We’ll move on to next topic, the three new conditions. This is a little bit tricky, but please follow me, because it’s important.

Robot: Please listen carefully, because it is important.

Akari-chan: Mustache is saying so as well.

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新三要件=武力行使をする場合に満たすべき要件                                                        The Three New Conditions=The Conditions need to be fulfilled in order for Japan to exercise armed force.

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Akari-chan: The definition of the word, 存立危機事態 is extremely opaque and your short-tempered boss could end up thinking “if I think Japan is in danger, then Japan can wage war.” Why don’t you explain this problem before you make stupid animations using tax money? You don’t care how you use your political subsidies now that you have received 17 billion yen, right?

Robot: Haha…

Akari-chan: Get real. Seriously. 

Akari-chan: Next topic. What was that? Uh. I got it. How Japan deals with American wars, right?

Robot: That will not be possible. Like I said, Japan can exercise armed force only to protect its citizens.  

Akari-chan: The individual right to collective self-defense. Let’s say it only once. I-n-di-vi-du-al…

Robot: Self-defense.

Akari-chan: If it’s only to protect Japan, you don’t need the right to collective self-defense, right?

Your fantasy scenarios about far off places like the Strait of Hormuz are criticized as unrealistic. You weren’t able to obtain any support from anybody. Recently, you seem to like the example of a Japanese warship not being able to protect a US vessel transporting Japanese citizens feeling from a war torn country. But, this is the individual right to self-defense.

Akari-chan: So, there is no need to take lots of risks to adopt something new when the right to individual self-defense is sufficient, right?

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Akari-chan:  Before you know it, the “limited right to collective self-defense” that you guys are referring to ended up becoming almost the same as the right to individual self-defense.

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「限定的な集団的自衛権」≒個別的自衛権
‘‘limited right to collective self-defense.”≒ individual right to self-defense.

Akari-chan: So,the existing right to individual self-defense and take a lot of risks. The real reason you want to ram the security legislation through despite your dropping approval is not for the national interest of Japan, but because you simply can’t say no to the United States. I can’t help but saying this.

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勝手に means selfishly, without consent
合意       means to agree,                                                                                                       In this context, 勝手に合意 means agreed without consent [ of Japanese citizens]

Robot: If we are asked to participate in wars like the Gulf War or the Iraq War, we will definitely decline.

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Akari-chan: Well. OK. Let’s cool down and think about this for a moment. Do you think that there is a person who believes what you have said is true? You’re just like a person who says “I will go on diet starting tomorrow,” while binge eating. The Japanese government has not denied Gulf War or Iraq War? Why do you think they will be able to do things that they have not been able to do? This is a problem before the debate. Don’t make me tell you to say things that are trustworthy. Am I your mom? I am ashamed of you.

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現場の自衛官のこと About Self-Defense Forces in the field

Akari-chan: Lastly, we will talk about kaketsuke keigo for Japanese NGO members who work in war torn areas.

Robot: Even when there is a request from Japanese NGO and media to protect them, the Self-Defense Forces cannot protect them. Isn’t this strange?

Akari-chan: I don’t have the words to explain this issue anymore. Since what you are saying is too terrible, I’d like to show you a video by a member of an NGO who actually engages in humanitarian assistance in countries such as Iraq and Afghanistan. Hey Mustache, you should watch it too.

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駆けつけ警護の法整備はNGOが政府に要請した?Did an NGO request for the government to create a legislation to provide kekatuske keigo?

The man: Including our organization, Japanese NGOs who work in war torn areas do not request kaketsuke keigo.

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軍事力無しに、安全を確保できる?Can we assure safety without military might?

The man: Japan has been very peaceful and has not deployed its Self-Defense Forces. Because of this, Japanese NGOs have been able to build trust. My friend who lives in Afghanistan said to me “if the Self-Defense Forces were deployed, then we would be sending the wrong message, that Japan has changed.” I think that our NGO activities will be more risky if so. I have been feeling that the current administration is talking about kaketsuke keigo without listening to the voices of NGOs in the field.

Akari-chan: See? He says nobody is asking for kaketsuke keigo. In spite of this, why do you say it as if there was an actual demand for it?

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Akari-chan: Mustache, let’s stop lying. The other day, I saw you laughing on TV while you were watching my video. Mustache, who is manipulating you? Where is this train headed? You are repeating meaningless words over and over. You are just like a broken robot. I see, you have already been broken. Good-bye, Mustache.

[In the next moment, the robot transforms into MP Sato.]

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MP Sato: Wow. Are you Akari-chan?
Akari-chan: Go home!

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